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I know I didn’t; the entire night was dominated by feelings of guilt, shame, regret, self-loathing and many other emotions that the darkness brings out. I had hurt the man I loved and had hurt him badly. Despite the many times he had told me how much he wanted me to take a lover, now it had actually happened the reality had been more painful for him than I had imagined.My mind painted vivid images of what life as a divorcee might be like; the pain of the process, the legal battle, the shame of having my infidelity known throughout our friendship group. Then afterwards, living in a small house or flat, my children being ashamed of me, my family treating me with contempt.But then came equally vivid images and memories in my mind of what sex with Tony had felt like and the certain knowledge that whatever happened, I really did not want it to stop.I must have fallen asleep at some point because I was woken early the next morning by the sound of the front door being closed and Pete’s car. OK – tactic number 2. I kissed the back of her neck, making her breathe heavily and purr and coo and decided, by god, it’s time to get a handful of those beautiful tits. I could have gotten five handfuls and had enough left over to bury my face in. I cupped her breasts, over her dress, in my hands and she pulled them off and sat up and looked at me aghast. “No.” she said, firmly. Fuck. God damnit. OK. It’s like that. I controlled myself, slowed my breathing and turned onto my back. And there she was, laying on me, nipping my ear with her teeth and running her fingernails over my stomach. I turned to meet her and kissed her mouth and licked her neck and started to get her dress off and she pushed me away and said, “Enough. I said you’re not getting any.”It was probably the vodka but I grabbed her, hard, in my arms and pulled her roughly against me and held her ass and slid my fingers up against her pussy. She exhaled, hard, closed her eyes and enjoyed it for one second then pushed me.
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